Best Story Ever
By Rick Kurtis
My editor told me to come up with, “The Best Story Ever” or I was out. This was a challenge never performed before. I thought (this is for The Birds) and my hand began to write. It was The Never Ending Story of all stories.
Back to the Future, I had Total Recall of A Man Named Horse who was trying to find the Wizard of Oz. He worked from High Noon to The Shining of Twilight. Yes, it was A Night to Remember. The air was Dead Calm, and he was Dressed to Kill, like a Rhinestone Cowboy.
He said to call him Oliver Twist and that he came from Oklahoma. He looked like the Elephant Man with a Funny Face and a nose like Pinocchio, The Thing with $1 Million Baby face. He wore Silk Stockings and a Full Metal Jacket from his Platoon. He smelled like King Kong or Shrek and needed Shampoo for his Hair and wanted to be the Invisible Man, you know, The Man Who Wasn’t There. He said he was The Graduate of 300, a Giant with a Gold-finger and A Fistful of Dollars.
He told me of his mother Hannah and Her Sisters, The Three Heather’s. They had Seven Beauties who were called the Magnificent Seven and were Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. They were Husbands and Wives trying to find out How to Marry a Millionaire, and how not to break The Seventh Seal or get The Seven Year Itch. So they all left on Planes, Trains and Automobiles. They took The Vow to pledge their Terms of Endearment to That Obscure Object of Desire they called their very own Sleeping Beauty.
As we walked the High Sierra from Saturday Night to Sunday Morning, he told me of a man called Robin Hood. He was a Deer Hunter who stepped on a Cocoon of an Alien four or five times and said it was Rocky more than once. He said he was looking for the Pianist because he wanted to Shoot the Piano Player. It would be A Shot in the Dark from The Shootist. I asked him why, with that he replied. “The man was a Black Beauty who called himself the Lord of the Rings. He was a Godfather three times over. He entered the Grand Hotel on Groundhogs Day taking A Girl with a Suitcase. She looked like a Scary Movie. Like she just left the Fight Club and was bit by Dracula. They called her The Unsinkable Molly Brown who fell from an Earthquake to The Center of the Earth finding The Lost City of Atlantis, Twenty Leagues under the Sea. The Pianist was The Great Gatsby who fell in love with Carrie not realizing that she was a Poltergeist and needed the Exorcist to Throw Momma from the Train, the Silver Streak, before they reach East of Eden. He jumped into a Taxi and the driver said “Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here and take a look out of the Rear Window because The Post Man Always Rings Twice. When he did look, there was a Vanilla Sky. This made him a Raging Bull. He had a
Naked Gun by The Rivers Edge and needed The Spiral Staircase.
It was a Nightmare on Elm Street at Halloween. The Night of the Living Dead with Candy man handing out Saturday Night Fever to Jason and the Dirty Dozen.”
I asked him again,” Why, was he the Hustler?” He said, “No,” and was Frozen. He continued to talk. “He was the man Who Framed Roger Rabbit. He was part of a group of Twelve Angry Men that did a Midnight Run across the Sahara while driving Miss Daisy away from the Casino, Leaving Las Vegas to go to Fargo or Chicago. It Happened One Night, In the Heat of the Night. Like A Cat on A Hot Tin Roof, they walked The Green Mile and made it to Sunset Boulevard where they jumped onto A Street Car Named Desire.” Then he turns to me saying with Great Expectations. “They Shoot Horses Don’t They? To Catch a Thief you have to have True Grit. You can’t have Vertigo when you’re high on the Titanic. You go to Nashville To Kill a Mockingbird, a Phenomenon of True Love to a Princess Bride. It would be A Dog Day Afternoon when Tootsie, a woman in love has Wings of Desire for The Working Girl who was A Stranger in Paradise called the Coal Miner’s Daughter, is on an Airplane heading to Apollo 13 with The Apostle, flying to the Badlands, Desperately seeking Susan.”
I looked at him with a puzzled look and all he said was, “Goodbye, Mr. Chips,” and was Gone With the Wind.